


How not to be an asshole (in 140 characters or less)

by Emmuzka



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Citizen Vein, Asshole!Adam Lambert, M/M, Mild substance abuse, but really, it's Adam/Sauli, it's all about Adam, one non-consensual scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmuzka/pseuds/Emmuzka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam played with a long strand of hair, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at her. Really controversial questions, these. <i>(Why don't you ask, how are you? Pretty fucking tired, actually. Hung over. Having a splitting headache. Angry. You?)</i> </p><p>After five years, rock band Citizen Vein is in a verge of a breakthrough. Adam Lambert, their wild, rumoredly bisexual front man, is in a verge of a breakdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic over a year ago, when this pairing was my absolute favorite. And then life happend. Instead of scrapping the story altogether, however, I decided to shave some things off, finish it quickly and just kick it out there. 
> 
> This is about alternate asshole Adam in an asshole world, learning how to not be one.
> 
> There is one non-consensual scene in the fic, where Adam is under influence. For some it could be triggering so consider yourself warned. The scene is not between the main characters. The teen rating still applies.

_Fresh @fresh_magazine  
CV fans! You got questions for Adam Lambert? New interview in next mag!_

"You are a sexual man, you present yourself very sexually." 

The interviewer, in her forties but taking care of herself (and then ruining it by trying too hard,) squinted her eyes with excitement. She obviously tried to stay cool, I'm-above-those-tittering-fangirls -cool. She wasn't doing a very good job at it. Adam nodded and smirked at the eager woman, like she was special and that this was _just for her._ Yeah, there it came again. 

"You've been seen spending time with both women and men. How do you define your sexuality? Or do you refuse to be defined?"

Adam played with a long strand of hair, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at her. Really controversial questions, these. _(Why don't you ask, how are you? Pretty fucking tired, actually. Hung over. Having a splitting headache. Angry. You?)_ "I'm not backing out from anything, define me the way you want to. Personally, I want to think that I'm beyond definitions." He threw in a flirty smile, made her feel all _snow-flake_ y. "You could say that I'm an Adam sexual. I like pretty things." 

Yeah, she would eat that shtick like candy, they all did. Not gay but straight-leaning bisexual. Mysterious, but not too scary, perfect for all. Papped kissing boys but taking girls home. That was the image they perfected for him years ago, when Citizen Vein first got signed. That had been the time when even having a PR person had been so novel that it hadn’t come to his mind to question it. After finally being signed they had all been all over themselves to ask how high to jump. He had been such a sucker then, one comparison to Bowie and he had been all for it. 

"But you don't have a girlfriend, boyfriend...?" 

"No, not at the moment. I have so much going on right now, I don't think that it would be possible. But I have a lot of friends..." _If you catch my point._ They all did, as they were supposed to. (Sans Monte who had the wife and kids at home.) Had to keep up with the image. 

The woman nodded, eagerly. They had been introduced but Adam had already forgotten her name. That’s what you got when you gave interviews hung over. This time his make-up was more for covering the bluish tinge under his eyes than anything else. God he wanted some pain meds right now.

"But if that right one would just come up, boom, you would be open for that?"

Ah, she was the romantic kind. Adam was impressed that she refrained from rehashing his famous two second long relationship and then break-up with Katy Perry that the media had been all over only a year ago. The interview would probably still come out with something like _The wild one is still searching for the right one_ or some shit like that. "I don't think that's ever going to happen, not in the real world. Some of our songs are romantic, I guess, but personally? Personally, I'm realistic about these things. But yeah, I guess I could be open for that." 

Shit, he needed a drink. A bottle of water at first, and then maybe something stronger. Or just caffeine. That was it, he didn't need to drink booze at ass AM, he could take it or leave it. 

And then their PR assistant thanked the lady, which meant that the interview was over. The lady squawked something about promising her readers that he would answer twitter questions, but over time limit was over time limit, what did he care if she managed her time poorly.

That had been the only scheduled interview for the morning, thank fuck. Adam headed to the nearest bathroom, locked himself in and promptly threw up. 

He washed his face and drank some water, stopping to look at himself at the mirror. It was an over dramatic gesture, he knew, but who was there to see it? 

Iggy Pop he was not, yet skinnier than he had ever been. Chubby wasn’t rock n’ roll. And still he didn't look good. Adam thought that he looked like a spider, skinny legs and thick middle, no matter how hard he worked out or how many meals he skipped. 

His mom didn't like it, but looked all disapproving and worried when in a restaurant he ordered just a salad without dressing, or visiting, left a portion of his meal uneaten. That didn't help their already strained relationship any. Eventually it had been just easier to cut visit and just call instead than worry about his mom worrying over what his son was doing in a bathroom after a meal. (Which was peeing and _nothing else_ , thank you very much.) 

Adam shook his head at his mirror image. How come it had came to him to think about his mom, anyway? 

He ran fingers through his long black hair. Someday he would just take scissors and cut it all away, get rid of it all at once.

Finally feeling like he was good to go, Adam continued to the other end of the gloomy industrial looking building, where the band's regular rehearsal space was. Citizen Vein’s next album, Silver Bullet, was only weeks from its release date and the first single was already out. That meant radio promo gigs and as many festivals in the summer that they could cram in their schedule, both in US and in Europe. They were already loved in Europe, and Monte swore up and down that this album would be their big breakthrough in America. It was possible, Adam guessed. Nirvana had done it, changed the whole scene, so why couldn't they? 

And what good had that done for Kurt Cobain, Adam thought, his mood getting darker as he entered the rehearsal room. 

"You're late," Monte greeted him the first thing. 

_No I'm fucking not,_ Adam wanted to say. _You knew perfectly well about the interview, and when it was supposed to end, but you went ahead anyway._ Instead, he kept his mouth shut, nodded to Steve and Tommy Victor, overlooking the few other persons milling around. He went to grab a sugar free Red Bull and took his position. 

Two and a half hours and two more Red Bulls later it wasn't going well. They just weren't gelling today. A little lagging here and a little low energy there, Tommy playing the old version of _Bullet_ from muscle memory and not the one for radio, and Adam both forgetting the lyrics and taking a break to go to throw up. 

The truth was that Adam didn’t care about the album that much. He had wanted to go to a different direction with it, but he had been out-voted and overruled. He had wanted to contribute to the songs, but what they ended up recording had nothing left of his suggestions. They were good songs, but they weren’t Adam’s _babies._ He just sang them, period.

"Again, from the start." Monte sounded just like what Adam felt. Adam took his position again, cracking his shoulders, and waited for Steve to count them in. 

\--

Three more hours in, and Adam knew that they were getting nowhere. "Oh, fuck it. Are we done here?"

"Take five, everybody." It was always Monte who in the end decided when they were done. And for the look of it, they weren’t. Far from it. Monte was seething. 

The assistant, some intern that the label had hired to shoot their rehearsals and other behind-the-scenes -stuff, looked at them like a deer caught in the headlights, unsure of if he should cut it or keep shooting. The guy had to be new, then. This was nothing new, they fought all the time. 

"So how did the interview go?" Monte asked. That was seemingly a neutral topic only to the poor intern. 

"Good. Fine." Adam massaged the muscles above his eyebrows, trying to ease his persistent headache. "She asked about my true love." 

"What true love?" Steve joked, as Monte frowned. 

"They did ask about the album, too? Right?" 

"Yes, of course."

Monte looked at him, like he would suspect that Adam would lie about it. _Great, now if the paper won't write about the album, it's me to blame._

The solo interviews were a new thing, and Adam knew that Monte and the rest of the band saw it as a problem. A couple of years ago, when no one, sans a few rock magazines and a handful of dedicated fanzines, were interested in their little band with more dreams than means, they had had an agreement that they would give interviews only as a band. At the time that had made sense, and it had worked. But now, when the band was actually getting famous, the magazines and programs that weren't solely focusing on music weren't buying it. Their long-desired Rolling Stone cover had featured the whole band, but Entertainment Weekly, Mtv and a slay of teenie mags saw only Adam, the band’s dreamy-scary vocalist and front man, and didn't care a bit about the rest of them. 

For a while they had managed deals with the medias that the whole band had to be featured, but as Roger, their manager, saw the waning interest, he had ruled over the band's agreement and booked interviews for Adam only. 

Adam didn't mind. To be honest, it was a relief to be there without the guys, without always keeping in mind that the journalist could be watching their interaction like a hawk. 

Their changed media strategy made sense. The problem was that Monte didn't like it one bit. It took the attention away from the music, and the band as a whole, he said. What the hell Adam knew about the songs, anyway; in the newest album there wasn't a single song that he would have a co-write credit.

"It's not like it would matter, anyway, our core audience won't ever see it."

_What the hell was Monte's problem now?_ "Fuck the core audience. We both now that the audience now is less hard rockers and more teenagers." 

Adam had seen the bi-monthly audience demographic studies that the label's PR ordered and read like a bible. He'd lurked in the net and read enough zines to get a grasp of it.

"And perverted grannies daydreaming over the latest gossip rag pic of you kissing some twink." 

Yeah, so that was what had made Monte more irritated than normally. So what? Adam knew that that kind of publicity wasn't good for the band. Or for himself, either, he didn't like it when he came out like an anything-goes slut. But, whatever. Most gay communities hated him anyway. According to the PR survey's loving details, among gay audience Adam was a poser, a faker and even a traitor. And what the fuck had he done for them to turn on him, anyway? Once a particularly adventurous midnight googling had led him on a forum full of fantasies about punishing him. An hour of detailed stories about the writers raping his ass had left him nauseous, and oddly turned on. 

"And a good twink it was, a real sport. Kept me up all night. You want his number?" 

Adam had to admit that the continuing rumors didn't do well for his image as bisexual. Originally, it hadn't been even difficult to set up. A few staged pap photos, some innuendo and a plant to "spill the beans" about her hot night with Adam Lambert. It was all it had taken. The rest of it was the product of some collective imagination, which apparently 1) presumed that everyone was straight and liking dick was just an exiting anomaly, dipping into the other end of the pool, and 2) made a ridiculously large amount of women tell lies about who they had sex with.

So, okay, last night hadn't been his brightest ideas. The sex had been good, but then the twink hadn't left when Adam pointed the door, and then he had kinda passed out and now there were pictures. And probably more pictures after Twinky had negotiated a price. And his Versace wallet was missing. With his passport in it. He should have told about that little detail to his assistant right away, but then he just… Hadn't. Fuck he needed a beer. 

If he'd let himself, he'd be angry and shamed. And then he’d be even angrier for them making him feel shamed, so what the fuck good would that do. So he had just decided to be shameless. His brother Neil said that it wasn't him being shameless, it was him being irresponsible, but whatever. Neil _liked_ being a better person than him, Adam was sure. 

Monte gave him the “I’m above your mouthing off” face and went to get water. “It’s that, I thought you wanted to cut the slutting around.” Monte sounded normal now, like he was genuinely concerned. Like in the old days. “And not because of the press, but…” Monte flapped his free hand, gesturing towards Adam. _But for your own sake._

“Well, yeah. Relapse.” And what else was there for him, anyway?


	2. Chapter 2

_Citizen Vein @citizenvein_official  
Bullet climbing like a bullet in iTunes! Stay tuned for your local radio listings!_

 

Adam went to open his door after the second knock. It was a quarter past eight in the morning and he was barely awake. Ragged blue jeans from the floor and a faded Queen shirt had to pass. He was dressed only because Monte had called him half an hour ago for a heads up. 

Adam had had the time to make coffee at least. Between coffee and a shower, coffee it was. It wasn’t like Monte wouldn’t have seen him with a bed head, or worse, before. Going through the motions to brew his fix, he had wondered what this was about. They didn’t have meetings in each others’ houses anymore, but in the practice premises or in the record company. The timing suggested that this was something that was left out of their handlers’ schedule. 

He let Monte in and pushed a mug of coffee to his hands. With some things, you can’t take manners out of a boy. 

And with some things, you can. “So what’s is it?” No niceties necessary. 

Monte sat down and sipped his coffee, then faced Adam straight. “We got the final offer from XXL Management. This is it. This will be our big break.”

Okay, so Adam’s wheels were a bit slow this early. “But we already have a management, through Sony. And I thought that we already broke out.”

“Yes, but this will be huge. Sony knew that we’d find a different management firm as soon as the tie-in agreement with the record deal ended, they are fine with it. XXL will be much better; they are ready to make us global, and support us is the States, too. We'll change the whole genre, like Nirvana did in the 90s.”

Adam didn’t like this. It felt rushed “But isn’t this kind of late? Silver Bullet is out soon and all promo is already planned for months, why change now?”

“That’s not a problem, Adam. XXL plans to keep us with the same PR company, at least for a while, so this won’t hurt the album launch. And yeah, the timing is kinda crap but it’s because the negotiations got delayed. We started this over six months ago and now it’s getting through.”

“We who?” How Adam hadn’t known about this? 

“We, the band, Sony, all of us. It was kept very hush hush.” The stink of this all must have been visible on Adam’s face, because Monte continued, “you were sent memos. What, you wanted to be separately informed?” 

“Yes, that would have been nice, Monte!” Okay, so it was kind of childish to get fed up over not knowing when he had stopped reading any band management memos months ago. Did they really talk with each other so little these days that this hadn’t come up? Still Adam felt that he should have been informed about this. Monte should have made sure that he knew.

“So now you know. Adam, and this is huge. And also a great deal money-vise, they’ll take about the same cut, but they’re willing to make a bigger effort and the merchandise profits will be all for us.”

Yep. Great. “But..?”

“But what?”

“But why did you come to tell me this here, without Tommy and Steve and the PR suits? I'm waiting for the but. This sounds too good to be true, just like that. Should we at least have meeting with them first, as a whole band?” 

“Of course we’ll meet them first, this concerns all of us. And of course there will be conditions. But they want us as a rock band! No more this “what’s your core audience, what’s your genre” bullshit. Instead of crying about rock being dead, they believe us and are ready to make this thing happen!” 

That did sound good. At least it would make Monte happy, that was for sure. “What kind of conditions?”

“The usual ones, have to deliver, yadda yadda. But they also want to guide our image further, streamline it.”

“Streamline?”

“Streamline, It means that you have to put an end of your slutting around, it won’t fit to our new image. And put a lid on the gay thing. This isn't supposed to be glam rock, it's old-school rock.”

Adam slammed his coffee cup down. “What the hell? What does it matter? And I’m not going to _put lid on it,_ I am gay! They actually want me back in the closet? It’s 2012, for fuck sake! Show some diversity!”

“Is that so much to ask? No-one expects you to turn straight or shit like that, it’s just that at the moment you don’t know how to keep your private life private.”

“So you jumped right on the “I don’t care what they do in the privacy of their of their bedrooms as long as I don’t have to see it” train? I dress how I like to dress, and I fuck who I want to fuck, I like glam, that isn’t going to change.”

Monte looked a bit defeated, like he’d know that he wouldn’t get his will through with Adam today. “Just, think about it, okay? It’s not like we wouldn’t have tweaked your image this whole time.” 

Adam didn’t say anything, but that was enough of an answer for Monte. “This is my band! I needed a singer, I asked around, and I found you. You are a hell of a singer, but that's about it. Your looks attract wrong kind of fans and your behavior turns off those who we want.” 

“Oh, fuck you. I can't change being gay, and being theatrical is my nature, and I just happen to be over ten years younger than you. And what else should I know about this new direction? How old school are we talking about? Rolling Stones? Nightwish? 

“Old school as in no glam rock and no hair metal. Just like we have aimed so far, only now we have a chance of really sell it.”

“You know, I love music but rock isn't the beginning and the end of all. Couldn’t we experiment with other styles? Incorporate something new in?”

Monte got even more frustrated. “This again? Right when we are in the verge of blowing out as we are, you want something else? That's not going to happen!”

“I know, because you don't let me write!”

“You don't write songs! You know shit about writing, or playing!”

“And now I have wasted five years writing nothing, not getting any better, because of you!”

Monte rose up to leave. “Fuck you, this band is the best thing that ever happened to you! You had no direction and no spine, and it would be even worse if we wouldn’t have been around to keep you in check!”

Adam had no intention to stop Monte from marching out. “You know what? If I'm such a spineless, slutty asshole, then you won't miss me if I quit. Maybe I should do just that."

That got Monte to turn around. “Hey, c'mon Adam, calm down. Don't take it so seriously. This is what you love. You love to sing, and to have fans and give interviews, and meet other artists. This is what you know, and you are damn good at it. You wouldn't leave it behind, we built this band with sweat and tears and look at where we are now.”

Yeah. Adam looked at his nice marble kitchen counter in the nice airy house that he had bought with his own money. He thought about the shared thrill of the band performing the first time for an audience of more than a five hundred people who had paid money just to hear them. “I don’t know, Monte. I just don’t know.”

“Just think about it. I swear it’s going to be good.”

Adam wasn’t so sure.


	3. Chapter 3

_Adam Lambert @adamlambert (Verified)  
Helsinki! Maybe something new today? ;)_

A month later, and they were in Europe, promoting the album like mad. They were all exhausted, Adam so much so that he wasn’t even sure in what country they were at the moment. Maybe in Finland? It got confusing when the countries were so small that every one of them was like a two hours flight or a car drive away from each other, or so it at least felt like. 

The PR had slaved overtime booking them interviews and shows. Adam wasn’t sure if it was despite of because of the upcoming management change that the PR had decided to work them to death. 

Adam could see the subtle changes in the way they were presented, but he wasn’t sure if it was just his own imagination of if the wheels truly were turning. Maybe their PR assistant was a bit stricter about the interviewers asking about Adam’s private life and opinions. There were still solo interviews, but also plenty of those with him and Monte together, and of course them all as a group when there was a live performance attached in their media outing. They never performed with a back-up tape, never had and never would. 

During the month, there still hadn’t been a big meeting arranged with the new management, and no one had tried to dictate on how he should behave from now on. At least not yet there hadn’t been. Adam didn’t remember signing anything too important, either. 

Adam thought that maybe Monte had been exaggerating when he blew up about Adam’s behavior that morning in Adam’s house. He acted as gay as he wanted, and he refused to be embarrassed about his admittedly slutty behavior, but he knew that something had to change. And he had tried to cut down the partying anyway, so maybe that would be enough. 

Adam sat on his own little dressing room, enjoying the momentary quiet before the show. Technically speaking they all shared a greenroom, no favoritism for anyone, but nowadays it went like this: There was a greenroom, and they also always asked for a separate dressing room, adjacent or not. Sure, the whole band used the dressing room to actually change clothes, but after that, Adam got it solely for himself. He needed the moment of peace and quiet. Recently it had turned to his habit to only come out minutes before the show time, just in time for hand slaps and the assurance of band unity. 

He sipped some water, looking himself at the mirror. Sometimes his alone time was also a convenient place for boozing up, or have visitors that the management didn’t appreciate. But sometimes it was just a quiet, nice refuge, a place _not to drink_ , not even a drop, without anyone making an issue about that, either. 

So that’s how it went nowadays; Adam here and the guys there. He still remembered how it had been, in the beginning. They had had one wan for all four of them, a roadie, their instruments and their merchandise. (The merch was where their little money came, so Adam had made sure that it was stylish quality stuff.) 

It had been cramped and shitty, with no personal space and lots of arguing. Still, it had felt like a family of sorts, like an endless cheap camping trip. Now they had their tour bus for US tour and people around to set their gear, but it was much more lonely. Adam hadn’t had friends in the US tour, never mind within the skeleton crew they had in Europe. He got along well with Shoshanna, their UK PR person, but they weren’t friends. Sure he got along with all of the crew and the crew mostly liked him, but it wasn't enough for Adam to be able to talk shit with the buss driver or smoke weed with the roadies when there weren't any real friends, family or lovers with him.

His makeup kit was still open, so to kill time, Adam played with it a little. Mostly it was just foundation and powder, for the times when his skin broke out. Of the eyeliners and eye shadows in the kit, only blacks and greys were thoroughly used. 

Adam tipped the soft brush to silver and blue pigments. The combination was intriguing. He hadn’t forgotten how to make striking eyes, had he? 

With steady hand he applied the eye shadow. Maybe some white in the inside corners, and more smoky grey to accentuate his brow line? 

It looked rather nice. Adam reached for the bottom of the makeup box. Where was the mascara stashed, again? 

\--

_Showtime._ Adam marched back to the greenroom, where the rest of the band was already ready to go. 

Monte did a double take. For some reason Tommy Victor didn’t seem surprised at all. Adam knew very well how his makeup looked, he had just finished it moment ago. It wasn't just a smidge of eyeliner; it wasn't even an emo crap load of black. It was a meticulously crafted full eye makeup with smoky eye shadow, a touch of silver to highlight and a careful apply of mascara. He had even thrown in little glitter to tie it all together.

Monte wasn’t amused. “Did you do that just to rile us up?”

“No, but it was a part of it.”

Steve looked angry. He didn’t like surprises, and he knew that even if they‘d managed to gang-pressure Adam to take it off (which they couldn’t), there wouldn’t be time for that. They had been already called on the stage. 

“That's not just an eyeliner, why do you want to look like a girl? You look like a fag!”

_What the fuck, really?_ “I am a fag, asshole! And what is it with you, it's just some fucking eye shadow. I like it and I'm wearing it.” 

“You are an idiot, you want to get beat up after the gig?” 

_Yeah, show us how you care, fucker._ “What, are you having flashbacks from years ago? We aren’t playing in seedy nightclubs anymore, between freaking white power and punk bands. We’re in Europe, and this is like the cleanest and safest place we have ever played.” 

Steve seemed to deflate a bit, but Adam continued, he couldn’t stop himself. “You think that we are still so small that acting gay would make the audience crucify us. And you!” Adam whipped his head to face Monte. “You think that we are so big that acting gay would make the _media_ crucify us.”

Monte just faced him straight, refusing to balk. “We are waited to the stage. Let’s go.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Naughty Boi @naughtyboi127  
Saw Adam Lambert in Bläk! Dude was drunk! Still hot as fuck tho! http://twitpic.com/cif7a9_

 

The gig had been great. This was what Adam loved, what he never could give away. He got to sing, on stage, in front of a few thousand people who had come for their sake. 

Finland sure loved their rock, and they loved their metal. Okay, the songs didn’t feel like his songs, and Monte had vetoed most of theatricality that Adam had wanted to slip in. There were no costume changes and no fan service, as Monte wanted to keep it real the way he saw it. But no-one could’ve stop Adam getting on his knees and doing some freaking dirty gestures with his mike, so fuck him and his “real”. Adam had loved it.

Adam was still feeling the crowd’s energy and he wouldn’t be cutting the evening short this time. This trip was work, yes, but he was in Europe, and no way in hell would he spend all his nights at his hotel room. He wanted to relax, drink some, party some, maybe pick up a guy. 

Thank god the word of the upcoming image change to straight-and-boring thing hadn’t reached the European PR crew yet, and Roger acted like he wouldn’t have heard about it (which he had), so the Finnish representative had arranged them a vip section of a local mixed gay-straight nigh club. 

It was good. The whole band had decided to come with him, Finns were mostly cute and polite, everyone spoke English with funny accents, drinks were excellent and the night was young. 

Adam enjoyed the momentary calm that had settled to their table. He remembered the times where his worst nightmare had been the part of a wall flower, to sit by himself in a club with nobody to talk to and not daring to ask anyone to dance with him. These days he welcomed the between-times in clubs, when no one tried to engage him to a conversation or otherwise get his attention. 

He liked to people-watch, especially in new places. Tonight Adam’s only fuels were Red Bull and alcohol. With the amount of country border hopping they did, no one was crazy enough to try to bring their own weed or harder, and none in the band was interested enough to secure a supply once in a country. Okay, if someone he could somewhat trust would offer him weed or pills, he might take them. It was recreational. He had earned some fun now and then. 

He drew a line on the white stuff, it freaked him out. Just tonight one of their local companions told a story on how a few years back a bunch of party people had died in the exact hotel they were staying because of snorting cocaine. Too bad that it hadn’t been coke, but almost pure heroine. ODs for everyone and death for the most unlucky.

Maybe his times taking candy from strangers were over. Yep, that would be the first irresponsible behavior to go, for his own sake. At least here in Finland, Adam thought. These freaks drowned vodka like it was water. No wonder he hadn’t been offered anything else. 

This one guy caught his eye. Blond and cute, handsome in the unconscious way that Adam recognized and was drawn to. This guy would never dance in front of a mirror just to look at himself. The blond smiled and gestured enthusiastically while talking to his friends. He was interesting. Fuckable.

He would do, Adam decided. The next part was usually simple. He settled his eyes on the blond, raising his glass but keeping his gaze on the boy. In United States, he only went to clubs where he was known, and in here, probably all VIPs gathered interest. People were always stealing glances of him, so it was easy to just wait the next time his target looked at his way and then catch his eyes. 

Only that this time, his reeling in method wasn’t working, because the dude wasn’t looking at him. In the last ten minutes or so, he hadn’t even glanced his way. Should he at least notice that he was being stared at? Was the guy simple, or just that interested in his friends? Or a boyfriend? _No, he refused being jealous of the guy he hadn’t even met yet._ Adam should’ve been annoyed by the dude’s non-response by now, but instead he grew more intrigued. He set his drink down a picked a lolly from the huge bowl of complimentary Chuba Chubs that someone had brought to the table. 

Someone tried to get his attention again at their table, but Adam brushed him off, excusing himself. The guy was worth of his initiative, at least for this far.

He stepped down the few steps from the raised area that was the VIP lounge and to the sea of regular party goers. The music hit him full blast. The sound system wasn’t a top notch, and they probably tried to make it up buy turning the volume to ridiculously high. No wonder they guy had watched his friends with that focus. If someone wanted to hear anything on the floor, they’d have to look at their partner’s lips to get a grasp of what was said.

The guy had ended his conversation now, and was just hanging, sipping his drink and watching people dancing. He was smiling. He looked gorgeous, happy even. Huh. Adam wasn’t usually drawn to someone looking that happy or content. 

Adam took the last steps in a hurry. He didn’t want any of the guy’s friends come up to him, or someone else. A guy looking like that probably didn’t have to be by themselves for a long before someone would come to them. Now Adam would be it. 

He came to the guy and poked his shoulder slightly to get his attention. There was no use trying to yell hello in this noise. The guy turned to face him. Everything in the guy’s stance and body language was open. He didn’t pose or act coy, he just seemed genuinely interested in meeting this new person that wanted his attention. 

And then he smiled. _Oh boy._ This was going to be it for tonight. Adam took his lollipop out to say something, but then didn’t bother. He just smiled back, and then popped the cherry lolly to the guy’s mouth.

The guy’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, but he had already accepted the candy. His eyes wrinkled in a smile when he pushed the lolly on his cheek and sucked, playing innocent for all two seconds before laughing. Adam laughed too. They got the joke, and the innuendo. Adam set his hand behind his ear as a sign of a trouble in hearing, and then gestured towards the VIP section. His guy nodded and followed him. Adam really wanted to know his name. 

When they arrived to the space where it was remotely possible for them to hear each other, the guy gestured Adam to keep quiet, almost bumping him on his mouth with his finger.

“A hundred euros says that you aren’t Finnish.” And wow, did he have a thick accent. “American? If not, then Swedish? Russian?”

“American.” He wondered if his accent sounded hilarious to the guy. “Adam. And hey, let’s sit. There has to be a clean glass and some champagne left here somewhere.” He gestured to their VIP table, now overflowing with glasses and other debris.

“It’s sparkling vine, not champagne. I know this joint, trust me. And I’m Sauli.”

An hour of conversation, and they both knew where this was heading. Maybe. Adam hoped so. Monte, Steve and Tommy had never returned to their table and Adam didn’t care why. Sauli’s name was pretty much unpronounceable, which provided a nice light entertainment when he taught Adam to say it right. On his behalf, Sauli told that yes, Adam’s American accent sounded ridiculously funny, like he would have been ripped straight from a tv show.

Sauli hadn’t known who Adam or Citizen Vein were, but he was politely interested. (“I don’t usually go for rockers.” “Trust me, this isn’t my only look.”) They talked about star signs of famous people, and if their signs were a proof for or against the sign characterization actually working.

_Hand on shoulder, hand on thigh, mouth on neck, mouth on mouth,_ and before _hand on dick,_ Sauli suggested that they would go and “get some air”, ha. 

Only that after they had left the club, Adam found out how literal the getting air shtick actually was. The weather was freezing and it seemed to clear both of their heads. They could see their breathing in the cold night air. 

Adam didn’t mind, sex was better when you weren’t completely wasted, but he saw Sauli slipping that end of the night -mood where you hemmed and hawed and tried to make a decision between going with a stranger or still trying to catch that last night buss to home. 

Oh no. Adam wasn’t having any of that. He took Sauli’s face between his hands, peppering him with kisses. “Come with me to the hotel. Please?” 

Sauli smiled at him but he still felt hesitant. “C’mon, you said that the Glo Hotel was a short walking distance from here, no need for a taxi. But I don’t have a map, and I’m lost and there are no taxis.” More kisses. “You have to lead me there, at least. If you don’t, I’ll freeze to death and that will be on your conscious forever.” 

Sauli drew a breath. “Okay, yes.” 

“Yes! And now you have to show me the way, when I said that I was lost I wasn’t lying.”

The sex was hot, and freaking _fun_. Adam didn’t remember when he had had such fun in bed the last time. Sauli let him lead, but he wasn’t a pushover either. On their first round, when they came inside, let their clothes fly and just went right to it, Sauli challenged him to fuck him against a wall. Instead of sex clichés, or just silence, the sentence of the night was “Don’t you fucking drop me, don’t use dare!” 

After that they took a breather, during which Sauli took an issue, again, to teach him how to pronounce his name right. Well it was kind of funny to think that he had said it wrong at least fifty times so far. (Adam was really big on name calling during sex.)

Their second round was slower, almost sleepy. Sauli sat on his legs and performed some a-grade dick worshiping before Adam couldn’t take it anymore and flipped them over for some quick and nasty release. 

After that they both flopped on their back on the luxurious bed. They were sweaty and funky but it was just too late to think about showering. Adam felt sleep coming.

After sex, this was the point where things usually got awkward. Adam might have slept with a fuck a ton of people, but he didn't want to _sleep_ with them. The thought of sharing his room and bed with a stranger, letting them stay there while he slept, unconscious, was unsettling to him. So off they went, most of the time, because Adam wasn't ready to sacrifice any of his precious little sleep to be nice for a person he was probably never seeing again. 

Which, unfortunately, didn't make it any easier. It was his bad habit that he started usually feel anxious about how he could get rid of the guy after sex before even his pulse had slowed down. Adam still hadn't managed to hone down his dump-the-guy routine down to pat. 

Adam was just so tired. And sated. Why was he supposed to be anxious again? The bed just felt so good, and he felt so sleepy…


	5. Chapter 5

_Liiuliina CV @liiuliina  
You’ll never believe who I saw leaving @adamlambert ‘s hotel this morning O_o DM me! _

"It's your phone."

Adam fumbled his iPhone to shut off his morning alarm. Roger had a habit of programming his next morning wake-up alarm during breakfast or when they met the first time every day. If they didn't meet daily, he would just call in to make sure he got up. When they were abroad, he did it in the days when Adam didn't have anything particular planned before noon. That was just the way it was. 

Still dazed from his deep sleep, Adam checked his calendar. Hotel checkout was at ten, so he had time for a breakfast or whatever. 

"Hey, good morning."

_Oh._ The guy, Sauli, was still there. Oh. Okay. That was... kind of novel. And how Adam had slept so good with him there? How he had slept at all? Adam couldn't fall asleep if he wasn't alone, he either kept awake or he would pass out. But he didn’t feel hung over, he felt rested, so how-? 

"Um. Morning. Do you want coffee? Breakfast or something?"

Sauli smiled at him, still looking sleepy. Fuck he looked cute. Adam himself felt puffy faced and less than fresh. 

"I'm sorry, I should have asked if it was okay for me to stay here, but you kind of fell asleep on me, and I didn't want to just leave. Or just leave a note or something."

Sauli squinted his eyes against the morning light, maybe trying to figure out Adam's face, which probably projected pretty clearly his miniature freak out. "Or should I have? I don't even know if you have something scheduled this morning, do you need me to leave?"

"Um, no, there's no need for you to go. Stay for a breakfast. A shower. Or... something." _What the hell was he babbling about?_

"Okay, I'll stay, if you want to. I know I want to." That was followed with a smile that made Adam want to... something. Something special. 

"Okay, then. We have two hours, a little more maybe. I'll order us breakfast.”

Out of habit, he looked the room over, making sure there wasn't anything around that he would rather the hotel personnel not to see. "Where are our clothes?"

That prompted a laugh from Sauli. Okay, that did it. The hell with the breakfast, there were better things to spend their two hours. And then they would have to meet again. This was just too _something_ to let go. Seize the fucking moment.

It was at the front door of the hotel that Adam finally had to shift gears and come back down to the real life. First on today’s schedule would be a trip to the airport and then to Denmark, and then... something. A performance, he thought. At this stage Adam only cared enough to remember if there was singing required. He didn’t even bother to learn people’s names anymore, but he did want to make sure that his voice was ok if he was singing. 

Adam had planned to come down before the others so he could see Sauli off privately, but they had been delayed and now he was the last to come down. But hell if Adam would skip saying bye to Sauli just because he knew his people would be watching. 

“Okay, okay. So.” They had stopped just before the front entrance and now just stood there. Adam wanted to pull Sauli to a hug, but the moment had gone stiff now. Instead he ended up awkwardly patting Sauli’s shoulders and jacket front. Sauli still had his yesterday’s clothes on. Adam didn’t, it wasn’t his walk of shame, after all. 

Sauli just smiled at him. The guy just made Adam feel like they would be completely at ease again. Sauli clearly expected nothing from him, and he seemed to be completely fine with it. “So I had fun, thanks for the night.” 

“You have my number. Call. Seriously, I want you to call. We’ll meet again, yeah? I still owe you a breakfast.”

Sauli didn’t look entirely convinced. “We’ll see. It would be nice, though.”

“I have to go, now. But really, it was great. You were great.” Adam sneaked in a kiss and then walked out to the waiting taxi. He couldn’t help himself but turned and waved to Sauli like a lunatic before giving his bag to the driver and climbing in. 

Sauli waved back. It still felt like they were sharing a joke, like they were in the same wavelength. 

“Who was that?” Steve asked, looking curious. Usually they never ended seeing his boys’ walks of shame. 

“Just a guy. From the club.” Adam didn’t ask where the others had went to continue their evening. He dug up his phone to send Sauli a text. That should be a hint enough to tell that really, he had all the intentions to keep in touch. 

“At least you have your phone. You checked your passport yet?” Monte, the fucker, smirked. Of course the story about his snatched passport had drifted his ears.

Adam decided that this kind of crap was beneath him this morning. He was rested, he got laid well and good, and he got a phone number of a cute guy. It was all good. 

Adam patted his breast pocket. “Still here. Does anyone have a protein bar? A Red Bull? I don’t think that I can wait for my caffeine until the airport.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Seiska @seiska  
Sauli Koskinen’s sizzling gay tryst with an American singer! Pictures only in the next Seiska!_

It was the pictures that surfaced that finally got their new management’s attention. 

It was only by pure luck that Adam got the heads-up from Sauli, instead of finding out from his Twitter. It was five days later, and getting a text from Sauli felt like a novelty. Every time Adam received a text, he wanted to reply right away. Sometimes that led to a long conversation, but if Sauli didn’t answer right away, Adam felt like a stalker. So Adam started to count the times when he answered right away and the times where he replied with a lag. And then he started to think what kind of relay would be the most natural one, and the whole thing was just ridiculous. 

_Hey, did I ever tell you that I’m a minor celebrity here? Someone took pictures outside the club, will be published Friday. So sorry! Feel like shit._

Adam frowned. Published where? And what did he mean by a celebrity? But he was sure it wasn’t Sauli’s fault, he didn’t want him to feel bad. Adam pushed the call button.

“Hey, I got your message.”

“Hey, Adam!” Adam couldn’t help but to smile at Sauli’s thick accent. “So, it never came up but I won a reality show, Big Brother, a few years back, so I’m kind of a celebrity here, I guess? So I’m a free target if someone wants to publish stuff about me, and they got pictures.”

“But if they are from outside the nightclub, it’s nothing bad. And who’s publishing?”

“It’s just a local tabloid. Cell phone pics, probably. We don’t have paparazzis in Finland. But I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”

“Not your fault. Could you send me the pics?”

“I haven’t seen them yet. They didn’t call me or anything, I know because they published a teaser on what would be in their next issue.” 

“Okay, so we’ll let it happen. No harm done. Um, you are out, right?” There was so much what they didn’t know about each other yet, Adam realized.

“Of course. The same as you.” 

“Yeah.” So not the same. In public, Adam was supposed to be bi, or fan-servicing straight. He had let his guard slip in Europe, because Citizen Vein wasn’t that famous outside the music circle. No paper would be interested in pics of a singer of some American rock band kissing a dude. It had never came to Adam that pics could be published not because of him, but because who he’d been seen kissing. 

And now there would be pictures, and any published pics, no matter if they were originally from some obscure teen mag in Bulgaria or something, would end up in the fan sites. That wasn’t bad per se, it just fuelled the admittedly entertaining is-he-or-isn’t-he –pickering in certain fan sites. But there was a potential that TMZ or some other gossip blog would catch it, and that was just what his PR didn’t want. 

“But really, no harm done.” At least nothing where guilt-tripping Sauli would help any. “So you decided on the Paris trip yet? I would love to see you.” 

\---

The pictures were snatched by TMZ and Perez. It was nothing new from Adam, and as pictures went, these were even kind of cute, but Sauli being a reality tv winner added more to the story. 

The next day there was an unscheduled phone conference waiting for him and the band, set in their suite’s lounge. It wasn’t ideal as Adam hadn’t even met the new management yet, but they were still in Europe. 

After a few minutes of pleasantries the voices got to the issue at hand. “We got your latest media coverage report in here, Adam. Unfortunately it isn’t what we had in mind. This doesn’t support your image.” The voice sounded almost fatherly, but not in a good way.

Adam felt immediately threatened. Crap. He was almost thirty and these suits made him feel like the aimless insecure club kid he’d been ten years ago. Shit. “That was a one time occurrence, nothing new.”

“Yes, but you have to see the big picture. You are bisexual, at least when it comes to your public image, but when were you seen with a woman the last time? We are doing testing, and now over 50 percent of DJs and radio programmers think that you are gay. And do radios play rock songs from gay bands? No, they don’t.”

“Fall Out Boy was pretty gay.” Really, Adam didn’t have anything smart to say.

“Stage gay. And they catered for teen girls, your core audience is mature rock fans. Unless we’ll decide to change the target demographic, that is.”

“But that was an one time incident. I won’t bring up my private life from now on.”

“The thing is, Adam, that we have big plans for you, and where you are headed, there won’t be a separate private life for you.” Damn the voice managed to be condescending. “So we’ll have to tweak your image, and secure it.”

“Oh?” Adam looked at Tommy, Steven and Monte, but their faces told that this was new to them, too. Not that they looked particularly upset about it, like Adam. 

“We think that you should have a girlfriend. Someone stable. Possibly a kid, too.”

“I’m not getting a beard girlfriend! That’s not-. Just no. And what do you mean a kid?”

“Not your kid, no-one is asking you to have a child here. Just if the other person just happened to have one, from a previous relationship, that would be good.”

“Again, I’m not doing it.” Adam had a feeling that the new powers-that-be already had someone in mind, for fuck sake.

“We don’t mean right away, of course. Not while you are in Europe. She needs to be American. But it wouldn’t hurt if you would be seen with women already in Europe. To even the situation, if you catch our point.”

“Actually, the guy in the pictures, he’s-“

“We’ll hear you.” Monte cut in, seeing that they wouldn’t be getting any affirmation from Adam, and wanting this to be over with. “Until next time, then.”

Adam got up and stormed to his room, not saying a word. Sure it was childish, but at the moment he felt like breaking something, and little drama was better than bills and rumors of broken furniture.

He dug up his phone, his hands shaking minutely. He paced, waiting for the other end to pick up.

“Hi, mom.”

“Adam? Adam! Is everything okay? Where are you? Are you safe?”

What had his mom ever done to deserve a son to who her first question was whether he was safe? “Yes, I'm fine, I'm safe, mom. We are in Germany. Frankfurt, I think.”

“What is it then?” Adam could hear her upset to somewhat dissipate. “But whatever it is, I'm clad that you called.”

“Yeah, me too.” And he was even honest about it. “Mom, I met someone.”

“Oh, darling-“

“No, it's all good! It's great. He's great. And he likes me too. I think.”

“Okay…” Leila still sounded like she is waiting for the proverbial another shoe to drop.

“I just... I just wanted to tell you about him.” Now he felt stupid. “Never mind, it wasn't important anyway-.”

“Yes it is! Tell me about him, okay? What's his name?”

Adam didn’t know if she really wanted to know or if she just wanted to keep the phone call going, but he told anyway. What was his name, how had they met, and how he couldn’t stop thinking about him. How odd it felt when someone comes and just grabs your attention and fills your thoughts. In a good way, he hastily added. This time it wouldn’t end up with Adam's money stolen to buy coke.

It was oddly comforting to talk to his mom. Why hadn’t he done it sooner? What had he been afraid of? When the call ended he was a lot calmer. He didn’t have a plan for what was to come, but that was life. He had survived this far, and while he had new things to dare, he also had some things, _someone,_ to wait with anticipation.


	7. Chapter 7

_Adam Lambert @adamlambert (Verified)  
Breakfast in Paris! http://twitpic.com/cdd7c9_

Paris, the city of love. But not today, today was a grueling no-love day including three interviews, a photo shoot and a private radio gig. Tomorrow would be their day off and Sauli would arrive, but that still seemed so far away. 

_Tight clothes, cool shades, and a game face on._ Today it was white jeans and full eye makeup that earned him a side-eye from Monte. Whatever. There was only so much silver jewelry and black leather one could wear before it went too gothic. Usually when one wanted to be like Marilyn Manson he would end up looking more like Miley Cyrus' brother, so Adam didn’t even try to go there. 

Adam wanted to be excited about the record, but he just… wasn’t. And pretending to love it’d be his firstborn was exhausting. Thankfully all the interviews included the whole band, and if Adam ran out of words praising the album, Monte never did. 

The sound check for the last gig of the day went so and so, but it was the wait in the gloomy green room that killed their drive. Adam stared himself at the mirror and with a skilled hand, applied an intricate silver and grey eye makeup. 

It looked quite nice. He reached his to get the vial of glitter that he had spotted earlier, but another hand grabbed it first. Monte held the glitter out of reach of his hand.

“This still isn’t glam rock you know.”

Adam continued to stare at the mirror instead of turning to look at Monte. 

“You don’t like the song, do you?” 

There was no reason to lie about it. “No, I don’t. But does it matter, really?” 

“And it’s not only that you don’t like it as the first single, you don’t like the whole album.” That wasn’t a question, it was a statement. 

Adam searched Monte’s eyes through the mirror. “The songs are good, you know that. It’s just not where I wanted us to go.”

Adam couldn’t read Monte’s face. “Us to go? Or you to go? This is the sound that we’d developed since I formed this band. Didn’t you know the sound when I asked you to join?” 

“I knew, of course I knew. But I thought that I would have time for side projects. I didn’t know then that this would take control of my whole life, my time, and with who I’m supposedly sleeping with.”

Monte sighed. He wasn’t happy with Adam’s planned image campaign, either. “But it also got you a record deal, a singing career, a house, a car and a trip to Europe.”

Yes, there was that, too. But was that enough? Had he the right to ask for more? “If I’ll say no, will you back me up? Will you, as a band, say fuck you to XXL?”

“I don’t know, Adam. I just don’t know.”

\---

When Sauli’s taxi arrived to the hotel from the airport at ten in the morning, Adam had already woken up, showered, dressed, had breakfast, killed time in gym, and showered and dressed again. Sauli was greeted with a yelp of joy and a huge grab, Adam literally lifting Sauli over the threshold. 

To Adam’s joy, Sauli seemed to be as happy as him to meet him again. That led them to some amazing, athletic midday sex. Neither of them didn’t mind that this was a booty call, among other things. 

For lunch they had rummaged some over priced chips from the minibar, but Sauli got a word in when Adam wanted to order them an afternoon snack from the room service. 

“But it’s Paris! I came to see you, yes, but should we see other things too than your hotel room? It doesn’t have to anything special. Let’s go for a stroll, maybe find a café. Eat a croissant.”

“I’ve been forbidden to go out in public with you, when it’s only you and me,” Adam admitted guiltily. 

Sauli frowned taken back.

“It’s like, after the pictures? If we would be pictured together now, it would be a pattern, and people would run to all kinds of conclusions because of it.”

“Would that be so bad?” Sauli still didn’t get it.

“It’s an image thing. It’s not really old school rock’ n’ roll being seen with a nice cute boyfriend.” 

“And you care about this so much that it changes what you are doing? Your image?”

“No! Yes. It’s just… We got a new management, and according to them gay lifestyle isn’t what people like to see or hear. It’s not about doing what they want, I just want things to cool down between me and them. So I’m laying a bit low right now to get them out of my hair.”

“Um.” Sauli clearly didn’t like the news. Who would, Adam’s management had basically said that they would be happier if Sauli didn’t exist. “We could take some friends with us? Make it a group thing, then no-one could claim that we’d be together.”

“That could work.” 

\---

They had that one wonderful day, evening with Roger and the local Sony Crew, and a night sleeping in each other’s arms, but that was about it. Adam had an interview at ass o’clock in the next morning, and the promo and transfer time ate his whole day away. Sauli spent his day being a tourist, and they only met in Adam’s hotel room late at night. 

Sauli’s and Adam’s planes would leave the next day, Sauli’s to back home and Adam’s to Spain. 

“I can’t believe that this is actually just the second time that we’d met. Can you believe it?”

Sauli nodded absently, busy laying lazily almost on top of Adam and drawing something to his skin with his finger. 

“I’ll want to see you again.”

“Me, too. And I still can't wrap my head around it that you are a famous singer in US.” 

“I'm just a regular guy, really.”

Sauli's look told that he disagreed. 

"I sing. I love Angry Birds, I'm addicted to Twitter, I'm a mama's boy or at least I used to be. I want to have a dog someday. I buy too expensive shoes and pay for other people to think about money. A regular guy."

"You say you are, but you can't honestly think that, c'mon. I went and googled you. Not only you have the weirdest, most dedicated fans, you also say pretty assholish stuff now and then."

Adam played with Sauli’s hair. The bastard had naturally curly hair that fit him perfectly. “You come with me.”

“Come with you? As in not return to Finland at all? I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not? You work for your dad, and online. Quit the first and the other you can do from anywhere.”

“But I have previous engagements. A lease! Bills to pay!”

“How about… How about you coming to work for me? For the band? We could always use an extra assistant." And that would give you a reason to hang around.

"I don't think that's a really good idea." 

Adam thought that right on this second, with Sauli giving him chills just by touching his skin, it was an excellent idea. "Why not? I have given jobs to my friends before." 

"Yeah? And how did that turn out, in the long run?"

Adam threw him his patented, unconcerned smirk. People loved that smirk. "What's wrong with an entourage?" 

Sauli just looked at him, obviously waiting for something else. 

When Adam thought about it, things hadn't turned out so great, actually. There had been a few friends, true friends from before the band, that he had asked to join them to help out with wardrobe and styling, but they had left a time ago. More friends and acquaintances had joined, but in truth, Adam didn't know what their positions actually were. Did the band really have an entourage? At least in Europe they were forced to travel without extra package, both literally and figuratively. They didn’t even have the ever-present video dude with them on this leg of promo touring.

“Okay, so that was in a spur of the moment suggestion, never mind. But that doesn’t change that I’d like to see you more.”

“Again, me too. You go back to the States in, what, next week?”

“Yep, but there are these things called airplanes. You could come to visit me in L.A.”

Sauli dipped his head down to kiss where he had been driving Adam’s skin to goose flesh. “And there are things called plane tickets, they start with an e, like “Expensive.”

Adam turned to kiss Sauli properly, on the mouth. It was only money, he was sure he could turn Sauli’s head on accepting these particular gifts.


	8. Chapter 8

_Citizen Adam @Citizen59675  
No way Adam is gay! Being bi is also just an ugly rumor, imo! There are other kinds of rumors, too!_

“You have changed your look recently. Is that intentional, is the band’s style changing?” Wow did the woman have a heavy Spanish accent. Adam liked her silvery tights, though. He kinda wanted to have them. 

The woman looked at him, eyes bright and waiting. Oh yeah, she had asked a question. What had it been again? “I have? I guess I have, a little. You have to keep moving, otherwise you’ll end up standing still and eventually you are moving backwards because everyone else is moving, too.” 

“You are moving away from the rocker look? I like your red jeans.” 

“No, I’m not moving away, I was just experimenting a bit. Wouldn’t you with all this European fashion around? I bought these jeans here, from Spain. It’s a local brand.” And boy would Monte strangle him for talking about fashion when he was supposed to talk only about the music and keep with the rocker image. _Oh well._ She had asked. 

In Spain, Adam ran on the fumes of positivity that Sauli had brought with him, and he refused to lapse back again to their ridiculous stressed bickering that the band had developed. 

Adam had worked on liking the song, really he had. It was a good song! It just wasn’t him. But whatever, he was just a singer in a band, a part of the whole delivery. At least that was the thing that Monte remembered to reminded him of constantly. 

His good mood lasted for all of two whole days and the trip from Barcelona to Madrid. 

The third morning started good, he had slept well and enough to wake up at the first morning call. Adam decided to stay at his room and use his morning coffee time to go through his personal email. It was mostly Facebook notifications that he had forgotten to turn off, plus some emails from his mom and one from Neil. 

There was nothing groundbreaking in his inbox, but there was one mail from Shoshanna, their PR person in UK. It wasn’t a very personal mail, just a link to some blind items picked up by the online gossip blogs. Shoshanna never send him links just because she would find them funny, so Adam poured more coffee and went to read the gossip carefully.

What black leather loving and notoriously bisexual rocker isn’t that bisexual after all? The soon-to-be A-lister himself has been secretly dating a movie star over ten years older than him for over a year now, and there is no doubt of her femininity! The couple is rumored to come public soon as she wants him to adopt her kid and make a family out of it. 


Oh shit. It couldn’t be about him. No way. They wouldn’t have planted that. Wouldn’t they? 

Adam ran his hands through his hair. God, he hated his hair. He wanted to throw a fit, to go yell to Monte and Roge, to demand to know if they had knew about it. What the fuck was this? And who was that woman supposed to be? The beard that XXL would obviously pushing at him the moment he landed in L.A.?

He was in a hotel room in Spain, and he was exhausted, and no-one gave a shit about him, not really. Sauli was in Finland and Adam didn’t know if he would take the plane tickets to L.A that he had already online-shopped for him, and now there was a some kind of set-up waiting for him in the U.S, with an actual woman with a kid. 

Adam poured the rest of his complimentary hotel coffee down the sink and went to the mini fridge. Who cared that it was only seven in the morning, he needed something stronger. At least it was rock’n’roll, so everyone should just shut up and not give him shit about it.

\--

That day they had a live audience taping for a youth music program, plus a shit ton of interviews in between. When they gathered in the hotel lobby for the day, Roger took one look at him and made an order that Adam wouldn’t be doing any solo interviews that day. It suited Adam just fine. 

Fortunately Adam a little bit drunk didn’t weaken their show a bit. Adam wasn’t sure if anyone even noticed, or if they thought they were always like this. It was Spain, so a beer here and a cocktail there didn’t raise any eyebrows, even in the middle of the day. 

Despite his rude awakening on what was probably waiting for him when they’d get back to the States, Adam kept his black mood in check for the day. Okay, he was buzzed for the whole day and increasingly so, but boy he behaved well compared to what he really wanted to do. Maybe this kind of a tunnel vision, just doing and saying what he was asked to do, was a way to survive until he had the time to actually think about things. 

Like in Finland, their record company’s local branch had took as their duty to arrange the best evening entertainment they could think of. So it was a trendy nightclub again. That suited Adam, as spending the night alone in his hotel room with his mini bar was the least what he wanted to do that night. 

The last stop of any tour usually had that special atmosphere that came from being just in the verge of something ending, that you both want to end so bad and what you would love to keep doing forever. Tonight they had the same feeling, because the next day they would leave Europe. 

Adam was having fun. He didn’t know any of the people milling around him and invading his space, but damn were they all so very interesting and beautiful. Had someone spiked his drink? Did it matter? 

There was a woman who talked a little but smiled a lot. Maybe she was a model, or she could have been for the look of her, but she was a grown ass adult, hard muscled and athletic, and Adam liked that, too. Her name was Rosa and she was fierce.

Rosa was also very interested in sitting on his lap. And why not? Adam was drunk, he was reasonably happy and everyone seemed so _nice_ , even if he was looking at the world through some seriously fuzzy glasses right now.

He did want to take five when Rosa started kissing him. It was nice, in a way, and it was in public so it wasn’t like it would lead to anything. In the corner of his eye Adam saw what could have been a camera phone flashing, but he wasn’t in a state where he would worry about those things. Adam’s admittedly drunken logic was that if he would be seen with women now, the new management might want to call back the plan with the starlet-with-a-kid, because _her_ management wouldn’t dare to pair her with a promiscuous slut. And maybe Adam’s people would then settle down because at least he’d be seen with _women_. 

Sometimes haze felt good, great even. It got to that hopped up rave feeling, it reminded him of how it felt like to have drunk sex with a stranger. But this wasn’t a rave and he had no intention to have sex with the over enthusiastic woman on his lap.

The club was loud, dark and held more people that might be strictly legal. It didn’t take long for Adam’s nice haze to change to wooziness and nausea. He didn’t feel very good. Actually, not good at all. He needed air or he would puke. 

Adam had to take a hold of her shoulders and lift Rosa off from his lap to be able to get up. He steadied himself and took a deep breath, trying to orient himself in the dark, crowded space.

He managed a trip to the men’s room, taking a breather in a locked booth. How had he gotten this drunk again? 

_Okay, back to the business._ He couldn’t stay here, people had seen him in the bathroom and it would look bad if he wouldn’t come out in a reasonable time. 

He managed to situate himself out of the men’s room and to a dark corridor leading back to the floor before he just had to take a breather again. Adam leaned against the wall, but that little relaxation that he allowed to his body took over and he found himself on the floor when his legs couldn’t carry his weight anymore. _Shit._ Oh this was just great. 

Adam saw a shadow fall over him. It was Rosa. 

“Help me up, honey?”

Rosa didn’t help him up. Instead she got way too close, and way too handsy. Fuck her, she really tried to have sex with him on a floor, in a back corridor of a nightclub where anyone could walk on them at any moment. 

Adam pushed the woman farther, but instead of huffing and marching away, Rosa went with the movement, taking a hold of Adam’s wrist. That brought her back to Adam’s space when he tried to pull his hand back. Drunkenly Adam tried again shove her away, like when you had something sticky plastered to your hand and you kept flailing, even though you knew it wouldn’t do any good. 

“Bitch, let go!” Shit, did he have to get physical with this bitch? Or puke on her? 

The bitch didn’t let go, but just continued to smile, taking even tighter grip of Adam’s wrist. She wasn’t a small woman, and as Adam noticed now, she was strong as hell. 

“What- Fucker!” The woman had wrenched Adam’s arm behind his back and locked it in place using her own weight that he pushed in Adam’s back. She made shushing sounds and Adam could almost see her still smiling. 

Adam let more expletives out of his mouth but had to stop when he felt the familiar welling of spit in his mouth. Soon he would puke for real. 

For a moment Adam concentrated on not puking, which meant that he was completely taken by surprise when the woman, still lying on his back with all her weight, leaned down and made a grab for his dick. 

Not thinking, Adam reacted and threw himself backwards and on his side, slamming to woman on the floor on her back. She let go of Adam’s hand that had been wrenched to a really upsetting position at that point. 

“What, what the hell…” Adam staggered away from the woman and to the hallway, where he promptly puked in the corner. He had to get away from here. 

Thankfully he saw a familiar face, Tommy Victor, right after he managed to stagger back to the bar area.

“Where were you, man? We have been looking for you, you ready to go? Or do you want to stay?” Tommy took a better look at Adam. “Oh, you are coming with me to the hotel, all right?”

Adam knew that he must look like shit. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Tommy probably guessed that something had happened at the nightclub, but he didn’t stress it when Adam obviously didn’t want to talk about it. They would leave soon anyway, and what happened in Europe, stayed in Europe, at least when it came to hazy nightclub encounters. 

In his hotel room, _\- finally -,_ Adam peeled off his sweaty clothes and took a long shower. He was still woozy and he hurt. For a moment it took all his concentration to just breathe. Was this what panic attack felt like? Or when you tried to fend off one.

He changed clothes to sleep, his gym pants and a t-shirt because he didn’t have a pajama and he didn’t want to sleep naked tonight.

He wanted to call Sauli, to see if he was in, but then he just… didn’t. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Sauli would hear in Adam’s voice that the night hadn’t gone well, and he would ask Adam to tell all about it, and-. So Adam didn’t call. Instead he went straight to bed, to wake up only three hours later to wait for the dawn.


	9. Chapter 9

_Diandre @diandre  
I saw the sling, too! It must be a sign of something. Silent request for Help? His eyes looked dead whats happening? :( _

 

When Adam decided that it was late enough to get up like normal people instead of just pretending to sleep, he really noticed the gift from the previous night, in addition to a draining hangover. _Fuck his shoulder was on fire._ Any movement caused a sharp twinge of stabbing pain. 

Adam barely managed to maneuver a shirt on with his busted shoulder. He had to call Roger. He’d had to get it fixed, at least for him to be in a shape good enough to fly. 

After a left handed morning coffee came a quick trip to a private hospital with Roger and Monte. Monte hadn’t had to come, but he had decided to accompany Adam anyway. They didn’t even talk much, but Adam was glad that he had come.

The doctor’s verdict was that he had dislocated his shoulder at some point in the previous night (Yeah, he had a pretty good idea when), but the bone had set back to the socket right after. The pain was just pulled muscles and distressed and ligament still radiating pain after the fact. Adam got his shoulder bandaged to limit extra movement, a sling and some very nice pills that he manly refrained from taking until they reached the airport. 

The doctor had asked him if he’d been any medication when deciding on what pain meds to prescribe, and at that point Adam had accidentally-on-purpose forgotten that he had most probably been roofied less than twelve hours ago and was still feeling pretty shaky. His solution was to just go without to avoid any unwanted mixing and matching. That decision lasted the couple of hours they had before they had to leave, and then the pain got so bad that that he gave up and took the pills. 

Sometimes you just had to go with it. The relaxation was such a bliss that he almost didn’t notice the way the band and their little entourage shielded him when they walked through the airport. 

There was a small bunch of fans waiting for them, and Adam heard Monte swear under his breath and Roger’s eyes starting to dart towards their entrance. So what? They were just fans.

Adam realized that this might be a bit different than the usual smile and wave when the first camera phone flashed and Adam realized that oh yeah, his hand was in a sling. _Crap._

“Go to them,” Roger hissed to him. “Go to say hello, show your sling, smile.”

“Why?” They usually didn’t stop for fans when they were on an airport, especially when they were departing. 

“Because you have a fucking sling and they saw it and already took a pic, so now you will be a nice boy and go to them to explain how completely fine you are. If you don’t they’ll just make shit up.”

“They’ll make shit up anyway. Okay, okay, I’m going.” 

So he went to them and waved away the genuinely worried questions and sympathetic noise. His explanation was that he had taken a sleep aid and then woken up in the middle of the night, disoriented, which led him to literally walk to a wall. That was a pretty good explanation, Adam thought. Believable. The pain meds had started working and his smile was almost genuine when he left the fans.

Thankfully the meds kicked in good before the taxing and knocked him out for almost the whole trans-Atlantic flight. Unconscious, the best way to fly. 

_Home, sweet fucking home._ When he finally got to the front door of his own house, he was dead tired, stiff for all the sitting and his shoulder was killing him again. He dropped his pack in the middle of his hallway and drew in the slightly stale air. Peace, at last. Tomorrow there would a band meeting with the management, but thinking about that could wait. Adam was too tired to think about any strategy on what he should say. 

\--

It felt like only a few measly hours later that Adam had to be up again. He was till dead tired, but stress had awakened him, his subconscious too busy to allow a decent sleep. The meeting wouldn’t adjourn until afternoon, but here he was, awake. Maybe he’d have the time to think things over before the meeting, then. He still hadn’t decided what to do with the pushed offer of a beard relationship that would probably be coming.

Adam was staggering to his kitchen when his phone rang. That lead to a rushed and disoriented search of his phone from his backpack which he had discarded on the floor the previous night, and then after barking a hello to whoever it was calling in this godly hour, another rush to get his almost drained mobile connected to a charger. 

Only when Adam had finally managed to connect the phone to its lifeline and sat down with the call on speaker, Adam realized who it was. Sauli. They had talked about Sauli calling and them figuring out when would be a good time for Sauli to visit, but Adam had completely forgotten it. And then there was the thing in Spain. Oh crap. 

“Hi Adam. Did I call in a bad time? Were you asleep? Was the flight on time?”

“Oh hey, Sauli, you didn’t wake me. It’s really early here but I was already up. Meeting the new management today, like face to face.” For the life of him, Adam couldn’t have calculated what time it was in Finland.

“That sounds interesting.” Sauli didn’t sound his normal enthusiastic self.

“Trust me, it is.” Adam didn’t get an answer. “Is something wrong?”

Sauli chuckled at the other end, sounding awkward. “Not really. Everything is fine here. But are you okay?”

“Um, what do you mean?” Adam quickly went through his head when he had talked with Sauli the last time and what had happened after that.

For a moment Sauli just kept silent, only the hum of the poor connection telling that the call hadn’t been disconnected. But before Adam started to speak just to fill the silence Sauli continued. “You having sex with some chick in a seedy nightclub in Spain? I know it must be business as usual for you, I have Googled you, but you just didn’t feel like a guy who would do that when I actually was with you, so. I don’t know.”

Adam cringed. “Oh, that. That’s actually a long story, it could be difficult to explain without going everywhere with it.”

“Well, try.” 

That made Adam’s mood sink. Actually, he didn’t want tell about it, he didn’t even want to think about it. “I don’t have to explain anything to you,” Adam almost barked to Sauli. 

Sauli kept quiet again, which infuriated Adam even more, because how do you respond to that? Fucking stoic Finns. “What do you expect, an apology?” 

“Whatever. It’s not like we are dating.”

“We aren’t?” Adam felt again a notch worse immediately.

“Do you want to?”

“Yes!” Why they had to be such dudes when it came to actually talking about their feelings? And Adam used to be so good at talking, even.

“So why are you going around sexing up other people, then?”

“It was just a woman, women don't count.” Okay, so that hadn’t come out so well. 

“Oh that's the poorest excuse I have ever heard. And also you sound like an asshole again.”

“I mean they really don't count. I'm gay, not bi, if it wasn’t clear before. Women do nothing for me. Also that particular one was a bitch and kissing her was a mistake, but I had no plans to actually have sex with her at any point. Ever.” So yeah, it looked liked he still had some unsettled issues about what happened. How surprising. 

“But why did you do it, then?”

Adam swiped his hair from his face with a frustrated jerk. “The kissing? Because of my image. I’m supposed to be bi in public, and I have some reasons related to that what makes it important right now to be seen with women. And I didn’t fucking fuck her.” If that hadn’t come clear already.

He hadn’t told Sauli about the beard deal looming ahead and if it would be up to him, he’d keep it that way at least until Sauli would visit him. That might be a tougher job than what he had originally thought. If his random encounter with the Spanish Rose had drifted to Sauli’s ears, what were the chances for him not hearing about his future love affair with the actor woman?

“Well that sucks in so many levels. And you are okay with that, acting like that?” Sauli sounded less pissed off now, but nowhere near like he would be sympathetic towards Adam’s situation.

Adam sighed. “No, not really. But it’s what I do. Singing in Citizen Vein is the only thing that I have done for years, and if I’m not a rocker, with a certain image, it could all come down. I’m not ready to risk it.”

“Have you ever thought about risking it? You said that you wanted to date. How can you ever have a real relationship if you have to fake it on the side?”

Yeah, that was the question. Even if Sauli would be talking genuinely from a hypothetical viewpoint and not about their relationship, he had a point. “I don’t know. If the women were just a pretend, with the women being in on it?” _Was he really suggesting Sauli a relationship with a beard on the side?_

“That sounds complicated and dishonest.” Sauli definitely wasn’t warming up towards the idea. “And what would I-. What would the real boyfriend be then, publicly? A roommate? Friend?”

“Like I said, I don’t know.”

“Okay, I have to go now.” Sauli promptly started to end the call. Adam remembered then that they were supposed to set the plans on the time when Sauli would fly over, but he only got haste goodbyes back when he tried to keep the call going. 

“…Bye,” Adam said again to the phone lying on the table before him, even when the call had been already disconnected. 

He wanted to throw the phone to the wall, but instead grabbed the next thing on the table, which was an empty fruit bowl. It made a satisfying crash when it hit the kitchen floor. 

Did he really want Sauli in his life? Yes and no. The man was wonderful. Adam knew he would commit a major mistake if he’d let him go without a fight. But… Was he ready to fight? At times he felt like keeping his head together was too much work for him to bear right now. He knew the signs of a nervous breakdown, he had been helping too many friends to dig themselves out of that pit. Would trying to maintain a relationship be too much on his plate right now? 

Enough stuff would tip him over, and if the one stressful _good thing_ was the _only thing_ that he could push away from his plate right now to avoid a complete boiling over, should he do everything he could to just stay afloat, or should he keep holding, kicking and screaming, on the only potentially great thing he could see at the moment?

God, he was such a mess. And when had that happened? A couple of weeks ago it had been just a bit too much work and stress, and too little sleep. Or had it been? Adam thought back. Okay, there had been stuff, _signs,_ as his mom would say; sleeping with people he didn’t actually care to sleep with, taking sleep aid to fall asleep and then stuff to keep him alert and the resulting headache at bay. He didn’t remember when he’d gone the last time a complete day without drinking at least a little. Not keeping contact with his friends, or mom. Not caring about anything, really. 

But now he cared. Something had woken him up to care, and it wasn’t easy to see what kind of life he had slipped in. _Shit he wanted a drink._

Adam felt the familiar shape of a bottle on his hand. _What the hell?_ He had walked to his fridge and picked up a beer without noticing what he was doing. 

Adam opened the bottle but then drained it down the sink. He had always felt a bit anxious towards throwing food or drinks away, so it felt fascinating to get rid of the perfectly good drink. 

He threw the bottle away. This. This was something he needed to do.

Adam proceeded to go through his fridge and cabinets, forgetting his slinged arm, and meticulously throwing away every bottle and can of booze that he had. And boy had he many. He even had stashes, bottles placed in his living room and bedroom. Before this it never had even come to his mind that it was definitely more than what was normal. 

_What next?_ He went to his bathroom cabinet and went through his pills. White bottles, orange bottles, cardboard cartons, little plastic bags. The contents of some of them he knew to the point. What were they, how strong they were, what they would do combined with other shit, _how many of them were left in the bottle…_ About some... He had no idea. 

Almost all of it went down the toilet. (He couldn’t afford to take a risk that someone would go through his trash.) He didn’t need this stuff, he wasn’t sick. Adam knew that it was stupid to just get rid of his meds, most of them prescription, but once he had started, he felt like he couldn’t stop. He knew that he probably wasn’t physically addicted to anything, and that had to be enough. 

He kept his Spanish pain meds, his headache meds, some light over the counter sleep aids and his valium, just in case. Everything else went down the toilet. 

_Anything else?_ Adam stopped to look at himself at the bathroom mirror. Was he really that man in the mirror with wild eyes and unkept hair?

To his eyes he couldn’t do much, but that hair… He rummaged the cabinet until he found scissors, and without thinking further, took a good grip of his hair and started to cut. 

Ten minutes later Adam stared himself again in the mirror, breathing deeper than needed. Oh wow. This was his Britney moment, almost down to a point. But Britney got better after that, right? And Adam could do that too. And he wouldn’t even need an intervention, this was all his own decision. 

He cleaned the hair from his sink, because that shit looked nasty, and drank some water straight from the faucet. Then he went to his phone. He had to have that number somewhere…

“Hi, it's Adam, Adam Lambert? You remember me? Good. Well, I just called to ask, you still do hair, right? Would you have time today? Um, what time… Now? I have a, let's call it a hair emergency?”


	10. Chapter 10

_Citizen Vein @citizenvein_official  
CV changes to XXL Management. Super exited! Gear up and turn in for great new songs and events in USA! _

The next day Adam marched to the XLL meeting area with a bravado that his new short hair brought. Inside he still felt like an anxious wreck. 

“Were you drunk when you did that?” was the fist thing Monte said when they saw each other in the waiting hall of XXL Management.

“Been in the net in the last 24 hours?” was what Tommy Victor asked, at the same time.

Adam turned to Monte first. “Funny that you asked, as I definitely was not drunk. On the contrary, I was sober as hell. And no, I haven’t been checking things out yet this morning. Is there something interesting?

“Just some sleazy pics of you kissing a woman in Spain, and fan pics of you with your arm in a sling the next morning.”

“Oh, those. So they reached USA, too? Took their time, I thought that internet was supposed to be quicker than that.” He fucking refused to fall to pieces over the Spain thing.

Adam sat down on the couch. He felt a bit weak, but he wasn’t suffering from a withdrawal or anything, thank fuck. He really did feel more sober than he had felt for a long time. He knew it was partly psychosomatic, because it’s not like he would have been under influence all the time. But now… He felt that he had some perspective on things. 

An intern of some kind came to pick them up, and eighteen stores up the building they finally met their new manager that their management provided. 

Liam Carson was a sleek looking man, stylish in that a bit uncomfortable way, like he would have changed from a suit to his expensive hipster jeans and jacket by his stylist’s order just a moment ago.

Carson offered them drinks, told about his career in XXL, and assured that they were all there to push towards the common goal, yadda yadda. Adam wanted to care, but he was somehow still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Which, of course, it did. It came when the talk turned to the band image and the individual images that had been designed for them. And then Carson went straight to the issue. 

“As we all know, Adam’s image as accessible, acceptable and sexy for a broad audience is essential. This is very important. We can’t back away from this. We thought that it would be the best to keep your image as bisexual but steering it towards more traditional values.”

“Traditional values? What the hell does that mean?” 

Carson was all assuring smiles for them all. “We have done background work for this, and we found a person who is willing to present a relationship with you. She is just lovely.”

“No,” Adam said. 

“Who” Monte asked.

“She would be Sonya Ayala. You know Sonya?” 

Adam had heard of her. Sonya Ayala had become famous as a reality star, there had been a program about fitness and self defense club for women that she had run. After that she had been famous for being famous, and currently she had been picked to star in a move, a surprise hit action flick. To everyone’s surprise she had been really good in it. 

So what they were offering to Adam was a fake relationship with a woman who needed publicity and believability. Adam remembered that she had been presented somewhat as a bad girl, but that she also had a young child. 

She sounded like a decent person. The management had done a good job finding her. But it was still a strict no. 

“No. And I know that I have to had a veto right in this.”

Carson looked pained. “Maybe you should think about it further? You don’t have to make the decision today.”

Monte, Tommy and Steve weren’t so admirable in voicing their opinions. “Adam, you’ve known this since Europe. You will do this.” 

“We know that it’s shitty, but it doesn’t have to be. This is fucking important; it’s not only about you. “ Trust Monte to turn it a band issue. “The truth is that if you come out as a gay man, we are toast. You knew that when we started this band, together.”

Carson looked really I-suffer-from-my-clients’-stupidity -pained now. “I’m not seeing any gays here, that’s not an issue…” It looked like the new management wanted to stay officially unaware of the sexual orientations of the band members.

“Really? Is me being in the closet so important that it’s either that or no band? I’m half out already, we aren’t a boy band, America will learn to tolerate a little difference. We can make the difference. I don’t see the problem here.”

Monte was working himself up to seething. “The problem is that you picked the worst possible time. We are on a verge of breaking through.” 

Carson picked up from there. “The audience predictions say that if you come out now, you aren’t _that rock band,_ you’ll be _that gay band._ And we can kiss goodbye to any radio station play, even in the stations that already play you.”

“Wow, aren’t you doom and gloom. I think that your predictions are shitty. Can’t we take the risk?”

“No, we can’t.” Now it was Monte’s turn to speak. They were in this together, after all. Had been for years. 

“Can you take no singer, then?”

“What? You’ll walk out if you don’t get it your way? Don’t try to blackmail us, Adam! We all have put years in this!”

Carson was also losing the rest of his cool. “And you can be as gay as you like, we don’t care, but just do it in private. Don’t go around flaunting it. Just… It’s not supposed to be an issue. I don’t believe that you want it to be an issue.”

Truth to be told, Adam didn’t. But this wasn’t a perfect world, he knew it that if he would come out, him being gay would turn to be the band’s biggest, maybe even only, denominator. 

“Wasn’t this supposed to be all about the music?” 

Monte veered back a little on that, having been reminded about his own mantra. Carson looked undecided, probably feeling anxious because the beard thing had been left open.

But Adam wasn’t finished. “And you know what? Your global strategy sucks. The other-people-than-Americans already have all the imported American rock that they can stand. They have their Nickelbacks, they have them so good that even Daughtry was repelled and spit out. You continue your idiot “pure rock” scheme, and I’m out. For real.”

That shut up Monte for a second, his eyes bulging. “You! How can you have the audacity… You stupid…”

Adam faced Monte straight, towering over him. He guessed that this was for real then. 

Monte was so angry that his voice had dipped unnaturally low. “You’ll walk out, and you’ll have nothing. You’ll have no material. You sing even a note of a Citizen song and I will sue your ass, I will make you shut up for good.” 

Adam turned then and just walked out. Anything else and he would have swung his former friend. 

Adam drove back to his condo, still fuming. If the pretend relationship was the only option, he would be out. And now that he let himself think it, he didn’t like Citizen Vein’s songs anymore. They weren’t his, and he didn’t care about singing them.

It was his decision. He wanted to call his mom, or Neil, but then the temptation to push the decision to them to make would be too great. A friend? Danielle? Adam realized that he hadn’t talked with Danielle for maybe a year. That was a sobering thought. Had he really neglected his genuine friends? 

Okay, the decision. This would be it. He took out his phone, took a deep breath, and called his lawyer.


	11. Chapter 11

_Adam Lambert @adamlambert (Verified)  
The winds are changing. Finally I can breathe again. Sorry for being vague, things under progress, details soon! _

 

“Hey, Shoshanna, how are you doing?” Adam put her on speaker and tried to get comfortable with his orange juice.

Shosanna answered the common pleasantries with a small hesitancy. She had heard the news, then.

“You know you have been really good with me."

"Yes." No point of being modest. She knew that she was good.

“And I know that you could be more than just a media pr person-."

"Adam." She must have a clue where this was going. "Adam, I like my job. I rock doing it. And it pays well."

"So you have never wanted to be a manager?"

"So you are offering me a job?"

"Actually, I am. You know that I'm breaking out, and I need someone on my side that I can trust. You have always been on my side, no matter what. I'd like to think that it was because you saw me, like, a human being or something." Adam wondered how his sales speech was going. Not too much? 

"Adam, I like you, I really do, but you are asking my to quit my job, change my career plan, and maybe move to the States."

“And I'm also offering you an exclusive management contract with eight percent off all what'll earn."

Shosanna didn't know what to say. 

Adam heard her silence. "Eleven percent. You could be rich and famous."

Shosanna couldn't help but laugh at that. "Or, I could end up broke and unemployed." 

"Yes, isn't life exiting?"

"Adam, I have a fiancée here."

"Oh." They had never talked about her private life. "Well." Adam couldn't help himself, he let his disappointment show in his voice. Never mind, then..."

She drew a breath. "Never mind yourself. Yes. I take he offer. Eleven percent."

"Really? That's… That's great! Can you start right away?"

"Pretty much."

"Um, you know that I can't pay you right now? My financials are pretty screwed, my account was actually the band's account and they froze it."

"What?"

"I know, I'm an idiot, okay? They said it was for tax reasons."

“Okay, okay.” Adam could almost hear Shoshanna’s mind working. “Don’t do anything before I’ll get there. It should be possible to arrive tomorrow, if I’ll speed things here. Except you call for your lawyer. You have called him already, right?” After a moment hesitation, “You do have a lawyer?” 

\--

When Aaron Sloan, Adam’s personal lawyer, finally got Adam’s issues sorted out so that he had a clear picture of what was what, Shosanna had already arrived. She had promptly moved in Adam’s guest room (“And don’t think that I’ll live in a hotel on my own dime.”) and made his house a command center of sorts. Currently his living room even looked the part, with extra computers and monitors on the table, papers and folders scattered around and Tweet Deck running the feeds in a monitor. Them needing the privacy, it was reasonable for Aaron to come visit them to his house. 

“Okay, first of all I want to congratulate you for all this time having a lawyer that isn’t affiliated with you management.”

“Thanks.” 

“And that said, that is where the good news end. I have to say, you are in a deep situation.” Adam was suddenly grateful that his mom or Sauli weren’t there. Not that he didn’t like to share, but this was probably something that he wanted to hear by himself, first. 

“About the band. You can leave, there is no doubt about that. You have no work contract so technically, that’s easy. On the other hand, you’ve made a full 360 degree contract with your record company concerning your new album. You’ll have to promote it, or face some serious penalties. Be grateful that you didn’t have the time to make an agreement on tour yet, outside the promo tour, because then you would seriously be in trouble.”

“Penalties? I’ll have to pay money to them?”

“We’ll see if it comes to that, but you definitely won’t end on the plus side on this. We’ll probably be able to negotiate an agreement where you can avoid debt to them by waiving your rights to all of CV album sales.”

“What? But we don’t even know how much the album will sell!”

“It doesn’t matter, you are selling the rights to the profits, not the profits themselves. There won’t be even a calculation on how much your portion would be. “

“So, for leaving the band I’d lose all future income from my work so far? That’s harsh.”

“And you will probably lose all the right to perform the songs, too, as you have no writing credits.”

“Fuck. So basically I have nothing, and I’ll have to start from scratch.” 

“It’s still possible for you to get your portion of the royalties from radio play, but I’ll have to look into it further.”

He was so fucked. But it didn’t matter, really. He had already made his decision.


	12. Chapter 12

_Adam Lambert @adamlambert (Verified)  
Yes, it’s true, I’m no longer with CV. Love the guys, and love my fans for all the support! You are the best!_

Rolling Stone it wasn’t, but when the break up announcement was almost like a game of chicken with both sides still in the stages of are-we-or-aren’t-we and the winner getting the public support, the news was officially announced in Adam’s twitter. At least he won the game of coming out first, but about the public opinion? He wasn’t so sure. 

“You did it because of me? You left because of the beard thing that I didn’t want you to do?” Adam could hear Sauli’s worry over the phone. He regretted that he hadn’t had the time to give Sauli a head-up before he went public, but he’d had a lot on his mind. 

“Um, no? Partially? But mostly because of me. It was coming.” It had been coming, _maybe._ Or maybe without Sauli there never would have been the final straw to push Adam to make the decision.

“Well, good. Because I want this to be about you. I’ll support you, but this is your thing.”

Adam couldn’t help but grin back to his phone. “How much will you support me, then?”

“Greedy, aren’t you?” Oh yeah, Sauli was totally into this. “Enough to move in with you?” That came out as a question, like Sauli would still be a little unsure of Adam’s feelings about this.

“Yes! Yes, that would be great. And supportive.”

“Um, how about I’ll come to visit? But like, with an open return date or something.” Sauli was back-pedaling a little, making it sound like a smaller commitment, but Adam was okay with that. “I think that I could come in a few weeks, maybe a month I’ll have to give up my apartment here, move my stuff to my dad’s, and get a visa. I’ll have to see if I can manage a some kind of arrangement with Ilta-Sanomat about the video blog. But yeah, it’s doable. If you are sure.”

Just visiting, but still giving up his apartment? Adam tried to not let his glee be heard through the call. “I’m sure. Just, come here and we’ll see what happens. No pressure and all that.”

After saying their goodbyes Adam ended the call, feeling oddly giddy. Sauli was coming! 

\--

Two days later Adam wasn’t feeling so giddy anymore, but anything but defeated. He didn’t want to go read the new what papers were writing and what kind of interviews and statements the rest of Citizen Vein were giving, but in truth, he simply didn’t have staff to do it for him, anymore. Shosanna was knees deep in more dire issues, and Adam read the media rather himself than ask for his mom to do it for him. 

“So, “ Shosanna started their meeting like she would be giving a speech before a battle. “Strategy.” Never mind that the meeting was held in Adam’s kitchen, next room to where Shosanna currently camped. 

“In this hypothetical situation where I’d have managed to get you on Jimmy Kimmel…” Adam squeaked at delight. “What are you going to sing? The band won't give you permissions to use CV songs, you have nothing to perform! And if there will be radio gigs, you can’t rely on CV fans going to come to see the ex vocalist perform some random cover songs instead.”

“Yeah, nope.” Especially if Citizen Vein was going around in media and Twitter, telling to everyone and their dog that he was shit and no real fan would jump to Adam’s ship.

“So, solo performances, and soon, to show that you can. If the industry smells blood in the water and you are toast. They need to see that you can really sing other stuff, too, that you have enough personality, talent, integrity and fans to go solo.”

“Yes, sure.” Fans… Did he have fans? How many were left? Did they have a place outside the Citizen Vein fan boards, or where ever they were? “Do you know what the fans are saying? Do they hate me?”

“Some do, but mostly they are just shitting a brick right now, trying to figure out what’s happening. Lot’s of fighting, I think. I recommend a Twitter party as soon as possible. But first, music.”

“Yeah. So I have no rights to CV songs, they are out. There is some really old stuff, disco, electronica, stuff like that, from before CV.”

Shosanna nodded, thinking. “Some of those could be in, taken that it’s what you want to sing? Because if you want to keep the CV style, you can’t waver from it.” 

“Oh, I want to waver from it, fucking bad.”

“Covers aren’t a bad thought, either. Robbie Williams did that when he left Take That, he did George Michael’s _Freedom_ as his fist single.”

“That’s a statement, all right.”

“Yep. However, the most important thing is to put out something that tells you what kind of artist you want to be. That’s why the old stuff might not be good, if that’s not the way you want to go right now.”

Adam knew what he wanted. “I want to do pop. Unapologetic pop. Think Kylie Minogue, but gone through a guy filter, a Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake, Pharrel filter.”

Adam had partially expected Shosanna to frown at his genre choices, but he couldn’t detect any negative response on her face, only contemplation. “I think I can grasp what you mean. Could be a hard sell, though.”

“I will be a hard sell anyway, so why go easy.”

There was a moment of silence. “What kind of hard sell were you thinking? Just asking, I’m totally open to what you plan to throw me, but I just have to know.”

Adam chuckled, the moment gone a bit more serious a bit faster than what he had been ready for. “Nothing bad, really. I just meant that I’m not doing this bisexual thing anymore, I’m gay and if someone wants to ask about, I tell it like it is.”

“So, out, gay, male, American, before this into heavy rock, now pop solo singer. Not a hard sale _at all,_ ha.” Shosanna leaned towards him, ready for the challenge. “We can do it.”

“With good songs and good performances we can do it.”

“And radio play.”

“I like your thinking. Now, about these songs. Do you think we could get together a good cover set?” Say, for a radio tour. Maybe an iTunes EP.”

Music. Music was the most important thing right now, Adam wanted to think. Yes, it was also a refuge of sorts right now, but if he’d get through the legal hoops and the media brouhaha of the break up, he would still be nothing without good songs. Belief in the music was also a personal statement of belief in his future career.


	13. Chapter 13

_Perez Hilton @perezhilton  
Caught on film! Adam Lambert, out favorite douchebag, is the rumored unwilling star in a movie about his ex band. Revenge is a real bitch! _

 

Adam frowned when the busy signal against his ear was abruptly cut to nothing. Monte had deliberately refused to answer Adam’s call. It hurt, no matter how much Adam wanted to believe that he had probably been advised by his lawyer to have no contact with Adam. It still felt personal.

Overall Adam was still feeling pretty good. Okay, his finances were in a haywire, anonymous “sources” were running around telling to anyone who wanted to listen that he was a drug using loser slut and that he’d left his band after they’d tried to stage an intervention from the goodness of their hearts. Also, he’d eaten way too much ice cream. But he was free to do what he liked, he had Shosanna, Aaron and his family backing him up, and in a couple weeks his intriguing Finnish dude would come to visit. 

The morning’s second phone call, however, didn’t go much better than the first. 

“Are you sitting? Maybe you should sit down for this.” 

“Aaron, what the hell are you talking about?” And he was sitting on his kitchen table, damnit. He almost rose up, just out of spite.

"Adam, XXL just put a press release out. They are going to make a movie about Citizen Vein. And what I read about it, they are going to make it as sensational as possible. It's not looking good for you."

What the fuck? "A movie? What, with what money? And I'm not going to sign for its release."

"It will be a documentary, Adam, they already have the material. And they don't need your permission, XXL owns the material that was filmed when you were part of the band."

_Shit._ Adam's mind reeled back. There had to be material dating years back. There was a load of performance videos and home videos of them fucking around from when they started, and then later interviews and other stuff. Adam tried to member when the intern filming them had become a permanent fixture, but he couldn't be sure. It had been a non-issue then, he had never censored himself because of the camera. 

“It’s entirely possible that you have signed a some kind of cover-all rights agreement for the materials at some point.”

Yeah, that was very possible. Shit.

"Adam? You there?" 

"Yeah, yeah. Just try to get your hands on the rights contract."

"And I think there will be a book, too?" 

_Wait, what?_ "Are you shittin’ me? Can't you stop it?"

"Afraid not. You know that Facebook movie? That was based on a book. And the richest man in the business, the fucking main character in that book, tried to prevent it from being published, but no dice."

Adam made an annoyed sound to fill the silence while he thought.

“But who would even read it? Citizen Vein fans?”

“A highly dramatized account of a self-destructive closeted gay rock star, based on a true story and supported by a movie released the same time? It could crash and burn, or it could become a trash cult hit.”

Adam just gave Aaron an eyebrow, even on the phone. Aaron took the hint from the silence. "But of course I will look into it."

"You'll do that."

\--

In the afternoon, two tubs of ice cream but not a drop of booze later, Aaron got back at him. 

"Hello, about that contract.”

“Yeah?” Adam couldn’t sit still but puttered around in his kitchen, opening cabinets like they would magically produce some comfort food if he’d just go through them one more time. 

“XXL owns the original material now. Not only you have no say on what they choose to publish and how they'll portray you, you won't get any actor pay, either. Actually, when I think of it, the videographer's pay was reduced from the band's compensation, so you actually _paid_ a part of shooting the movie." Adam could almost hear the wheels turning in Aaron's head. "Hmm. maybe that's something that we'll be able to use... And hey, you still might get royalties from the songs they'll use.”

“Yeah, thanks for that." Adam let the sarcasm be heard in his voice. Like this was about money. Fuck. 

Aaron still lingered on the phone. He wasn’t done yet. "Let's say, hypothetically, that I just maybe might have obtained a copy of the editing script of the CV movie.”

That was interesting. “And?” 

“And it's pretty bad. They made you look like an alcoholic. An asshole one.”

“Shit. How bad they could make it look?”

They have a shitload of material of you, and in a great deal of it, I’m sure, you are drunk. Do you remember every time that you talked shit when drunk? Because that's not pretty stuff.”

“Okay... So I will come out as an asshole, and a drunkard.”

“And don't you forget, gay.”

“About that-.” Adam started, but Aaron talked over him. 

“And do you know what they call escorts, usually?”

“Uh.”

“Whores, that’s what they are called. Or rent boys, but that's not any better.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah. You might not remember how many times you came to rehearsals hung over, or were shit faced on a tour bus, or got your walk of shames filmed, but let's say that they had a lot material to choose from." 

Adam kicked the table leg. It wasn’t like there was anyone watching his little childish outburst. "But everyone else was shitfaced too!"

"But they don't have to show it.”

"So what now?"

"I don't know yet, but as a precaution, you must stop drinking in public. Not a drop."

“That’s not going to be a problem right now, I promise. But why?"

"If it comes to that, if you can't plausibly deny of being a drunk-ass, then you will come out as an ex alcoholic that’s now in straight and narrow. And that means no drinking. Like, ever, if you can help it."

"Yay. Let me think it over."

"No, don't think. Do it. And I’m saying this as a friend, but if drinking isn't something that you can just drop at will... Maybe you do have a problem."

"Hey, twist my arm, willya?” Adam didn't want to admit it, but Aaron had a point. 

Oh and another thing. They hired an actual, respectable director for this.”

"That’s a good thing? Then it might not end up being complete trash?”

“Yes, in a way its a good thing, but also not. That director costs money, and that means higher production values, and that means that they'll probably try to get it on theaters. But! I found out who it is: It's Rick Landers." Aaron sounded even a little enthusiastic about the name.

"Never heard of him."

“That's because you live under a rock when it comes to up and coming documentary directors. Rick Landers comes with a seal of approval from Rolling Stone." 

"So it is a good thing."

"Yes! Maybe he comes with an artistic integrity. Maybe you could even have a lunch with him, to let him see your side of the story. Unofficially, of course.”

Him, meeting the director hired to make a trashy expose of him? “You really think that would be a good idea?"

"Yes. Also, little birds told about him some things that his current employers might not. Landers is gay."

_Oh._ Adam paused for a second. "You want me to suck him off or something, to get a good treatment? Haven't had to do that for awhile."

That prompted a long silence from the other end of the line. Then, "No, of course not! I just meant that maybe he won't be so inclined to portray you as an evil, drunk, gay asshole that they want him to. Maybe you could charm him to your side, the way you do when you set your mind on it."

"Huh. If you can arrange it, a lunch or something, then okay." Then Adam had to laugh a little. "And think of people swearing up and down that there is no secret gay agenda in Hollywood." 

"Ha. Wouldn't be such a bad thing now."


	14. Chapter 14

_Citizen Slave@citizen_slave85  
The dude in the pic is Rick Landers, director of the CV movie. Wtf is he doing with him, fraternizing with the enemy?? _

 

What do you wear when you are going for lunch date with a hot stuff movie director, with a possibility of being photographed, and possibly trying to lure the man to his side with sexual promises? 

Adam went through his closet and chose a green leopard print shirt that accentuated his physique. Did he look bloated? Adam had to go and check his face in the mirror again. 

Nope. He didn’t look bad, actually. Apparently too much ice cream hadn’t been too much, at least not yet. Or maybe it was the lack of beer that did it. Adam ran his hand through his hair. Time for a haircut again. He’d forgotten how quickly his hair grew out now that he had a short hair. 

They met at a semi-famous hipster restaurant. Adam was grateful that neither Aaron nor the director had suggested a secret meeting.

Instead of the shaggy sleaze ball Adam had been expecting, Rick Landers was tall, thin, clean-cut and kind of cute. Adam had no problems being charming, because the guy was genuinely interesting. 

They ordered their meals from a young waitress who obviously knew who they were but who tried to be all nonchalant about it. Adam went happy and charming. It felt almost real. 

Between the glasses of dry white wine and grilled salmon salad, Landers told that had previewed most of the material and was now writing the first script. It was kind of awkward, as Adam knew what kind of shit material was there to choose from. Adam felt both embarrassed and proud when Landers lost his cool for a moment when he described all the possible themes he could explore with such an interesting material. Apparently he was a fascinating character. Privately Adam thought that ass-holiness should be as glamorous subject as it seemed to be for Landers. The material was supposedly “raw” and “real”, whatever that was in documentary movie language. Only the artsy type would be ecstatic over hundreds of hours of shitty handheld video material about men basically biting heads of each other in every turn. Yep, the guy was totally into him.

They both cleared that there wouldn’t be interview parts in the movie, not even as a narrative. Officially this lunch was about Adam and Landers getting to know each other because of the movie. However they both knew that technically, there had been no need for them to even meet. As their meeting progressed, Landers gave him looks that could only be taken as a sign of interest.

Landers sipped his wine, considering.

“So what are we talking here, Adam, really? You offering to make it worthwhile to see your viewpoint in this?”

Adam smiled and took a sip of his Voss in response, thinking. The movie could ruin his career, maybe permanently. But here - maybe-, was a get-out-of-prison card for him. Not a big deal, really. Landers was even easy on the eyes, so it wouldn't be a hardship. And it wasn't like he had made any promises to Sauli... _Shit._ He couldn't do this to Sauli. No, that wasn’t it. He couldn't do it to himself. 

“No, I’m not. I’m asking you to consider my viewpoint, despite that we both know that your real employer wants. So I’m offering more information on what’s going on in those tapes, if you want. Nothing more, though.”

Landers set his glass down, looking decisive. Obviously Adam’s answer had been the right one. 

“Okay. Let’s do this.”

Adam had an urge to shake the man’s hand. Instead he dipped his class towards Landers as a toast and took another sip.

\--

Shosanna was at Adam’s flat when he came home. Adam came to him, excited by his news, but Shosanna was quicker. 

“I got you a song! And it’s not even a cover. It was for Pink, originally, and she’s in the songwriting credits too so we can drum that up!”

“Yeah? Well, I got to meet the movie director guy and I think that I got him on my side.”

Shosanna looked back at him, her excitement turning to worry. “You didn’t… _convince_ him, didn’t you?”

“No, of course not!”

Shosanna looked… Almost proud? Over him?

“I was going to do it.”

“Yeah?”

“But then I knew that I wasn't that kind of a person anymore.”

“What kind where you then, before?”

“Huh?” Adam hadn't anticipated a question. "An asshole."

Shosanna looked at him, waiting. 

"A person who used others. And got used, too. I thought I didn't deserve any better.”

“But?” Shosanna prompted.

“But I do. And I got over it. And don’t you go all teary eyed over me!”

Adam jumped to give Shosanna a hug, they both laughing.


	15. Epilogue

_Fresh @fresh_magazine  
Adam Lambert fans! Send your questions today, we promise to ask the best ones! (and yes, we love to meet him again) _

 

Adam was beside himself, drinking his self-made disgustingly green health shot for breakfast and masking his giddiness as trying to decide what to wear that morning. 

Sauli was finally, after a few weeks of pushed back schedules, coming to L.A. He would land in a few hours and Adam couldn’t wait. It might not be love, and it might not be forever, but right now it felt right.

Everything felt still so fragile, but at the same time, exiting. That stood both in his love life and his career. He didn’t have a label, but Shosanna had managed to get some independent backers from the industry insiders to finance an EP for his first solo promo. 

He was still a controversial character in the music and entertainment scene, but better controversial than unknown, he thought. He had some radio gigs coming up, maybe even in Ryan Seacrest. Because his story was interesting, okay? 

He’d had his first session in a recording studio after the Silver Bullet recording, and this time it had felt right. Chaotic and stressful, yes, because he still wasn’t sure what way his EP would end up, what a feeling it had been. Would people like it? Would it be too different? Would it be played in the radio? He didn’t know, but he had to begin from somewhere. 

The Citizen Vein movie would come out maybe the next year, but at the moment it was already old news. Maybe if the newest Rick Landers movie was any good it would raise some waves, or then maybe not. The original rumor was that is was going to be an expose piece on how Adam Lambert’s self-destructive behavior ended his band. But again, maybe not. 

Citizen Vein was still together, and still without a lead singer. The rumor was that they were in negotiations about a reality tv show about searching the new main vocalist. To Adam it sounded a bit like a sold out from the band was supposedly such a hard ass, but whatever. 

Adam dug up one of the skinniest jeans that he owned from the back of his closet. 

“Crap.” The jeans didn't fit, and it wasn't even about not being able to zip up; he couldn't even get the jeans up past his thighs. 

Adam looked at himself in the mirror. Huh, he had gained weight. He didn't know how much, because at some point he had stopped weighing himself. 

_Oh well._ Maybe he had been a bit too skinny anyway. He would mark this time as his fat-and-happy period and figure out an exercise program when he'd have the time. 

He pulled on the relaxed combat-style pants from the day before and got ready to leave to the airport to meet Sauli.

End.


End file.
